Oh em gee! What a cliffhanger! I was reading this waiting to get to Penner’s because I knew enough that he betrays you somehow. I would have crawled under my seat having to face that!
I grew up in a small town-one red light small. Many people knew my family. My grandfather was the mayor there then on the council. My mother and aunt made the papers. Parents didn’t want their kids to play with me, teachers made comments, so many people assumed I would be just like her. I knew very early on I never wanted to follow in her footsteps so I always did the opposite. This is why I embrace being the underdog but for many years I responded with this urge to defend myself fiercely but as I’ve gotten older I’m learning not everything requires a response. I’m trying.
Bipolar-I didn’t always share that. I’m still a little cautious now but I feel if people get to know me they have a right to know or understand. People sometimes think everything is bipolar. I’ve been called crazy. It’s just my mind. I have feelings just like everyone else and I do my best to manage it. So I do my best to try and educate others around me about it if they’re curious. I’m about as normal as anyone else is, considering no one really knows what normal is. lol!
I think I understand what you’re saying. Also, I have an aunt who is bipolar and you are right, it’s not always the bipolar. If you’re just having a regular bad day people get nervous. I’ve watched her navigate that and I’m sorry you deal with it too
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them. I’m sorry your aunt goes through this as well. It hurts my heart even now so many people know so little about mental health. 🙏
Hey I come from a small town as well, and I've also come across people who judge others based on their family and upbringing. But unfortunately that pretty common in a small town.
I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood being either overlooked, underrated or scapegoated. I grew up in a time where dyslexia (and certainly dyscalculia) wasn't even a diagnosis. You didn't have a learning disability - you were at the very least lacking ambition and the worst... too stupid to be bothered with. My first grade teacher, a young woman in her first year of teaching, used to show my work to the class as what *not* to do. She never talked to me or even my parents about my problems learning. She wrote me off without even trying. That was followed by a series of teachers who just passed me on to the next grade. A teacher in middle school finally took the time to help me understand how I could work through my disability and I ended up with academic awards in high school. Throughout school, other students thought I was stuck up because I was so quiet. In fact I unknowingly had social anxiety and my fear of failure was so strong that I wouldn't try anything (that cost me a scholarship). Some tried to use my lack of confidence against me, even to the point of blaming me when they were at fault. My best friend hurt me the worst. I still can't go into that. Later, when my then husband and I divorced, our friends all took his side. I was supposed to be the good Christian wife and forgive him for an affair. It didn't matter that he wouldn't even touch me after our daughter was born. That we lived like roommates who barely talked to each other. I was in the wrong because I wasn't willing to sacrifice not only my happiness, but my mental health, to keep our marriage intact. Most of them never did understand or change their opinion. So, I don't let any friends in close. Haven't for decades. There are people I'd like to be closer too, but I just can't seem to trust enough to take that chance again. I care about many of them, but if I tried and they rejected me..... So I stay on the edge of friendships. Never getting close enough to be hurt. And it isn't lost on me that living that way is hurtful in and of itself.
I will keep it short because it was a hot button subject at the time.... I had people get angry at me, had 10 people unfriend me on Facebook because I posted about how I didn't like this year's Superbowl halftime show.... I HAVE ZERO ISSUE THAT IT WAS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE (I type this in all caps hoping you all get that because my supposed friends didn't) but when I looked up the lyrics, they were disgusting!! If I wanted to hear about somebody's sexual adventures, I would go into my bedroom and talk to my husband about it (we are each other's one and only)... THAT is why I didn't care for it! A friend of mine married a man who is bilingual (Spanish as his first language) and he was MORTIFIED by what he heard, so I feel vindicated that it's not just me!! But it hurt some to think people were upset because they thought I was angry he sang in Spanish. I don't care!! But I don't want my kids hearing that kind of stuff- I don't care what language you're singing in!!! And now that I've probably made more enemies, I will move on.
As far as what you shared- I don't know if I could have taken it!! I probably would have gotten sick 🤣 but while I talk a good game about not caring what people think of me, I still do more than I should, so I would have been concerned.
How was the weekend with Leo? Hope all is settling well!! 🙂
I lost a very good friend last year because she contacted me unexpectedly saying she was in town and wanted to see me. But we had a very strange situation going on in our house that weekend with guests we frankly couldn’t wait to get rid of and I didn’t want to involve her and her family in that mess. I also did not want to leave the house with our unwelcome ‘guests’ in it. These were old friends who had changed a great deal - not for the better - and we were just counting down the minutes till they would leave. I was evidently not able to convey the seriousness of the situation to my friend whom I very much wanted to see. She accused me of not wanting to ‘put in the work’ necessary to stay friends, and proceeded to block me on Facebook and blocked her phone number. I was shocked, frankly. I sat on these sad/kind of angry/shocked feelings for a few weeks, and eventually tried writing a letter to her. But in the end, I didn’t send it. I didn’t feel like going into detail as to why I couldn’t see her that weekend, because with only a days notice, there are all sorts of reasons why I might not have been able to see her and she should have understood that. I decided that if she reacted that way in that particular instance that perhaps it wasn’t a friendship I wanted to keep. If she hadn’t blocked me I would have tried to explain. It was just so sudden and really shocking because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Sometimes our desire to be noble betrays us. It's too bad one of you couldn't have played the Bad Cop and asked them to leave, but that's always easier said than done. Your friend sounds overly dramatic, but if it were me, I think I would have sent the letter... if only for closure with no expectation of a positive response - and if one did come, all the better.
Almost 30 years ago I was a caretaker for a friend who was in a serious car accident that left her with a Traumatic Brain Injury. She had to relearn how to walk,talk, pretty much everything. Her family lived out of state except her mom who was not mentally healthy to take care of her. No one wanted to take care of her after she was released from the rehab center. I didnt plan on it, but I just stepped in and it just sort of happened. All her family did for her was find an attorney and left, but even then it wasn't a good representation. So, another sibling changed the attorney accusing the previous one negligent in their representation. For 6 years I helped this friend with rides, with mobility, etc all the while I was being mentally and physically abused. No one really knew this. Because it was a very big company worth billions who caused her accident, her settlement was in the 8 figure range. (Sadly, it was probably the only good thing that came out of it to be honest) Anyway, through it all I was accused by her family, friends, and even her state guardian at the time, of helping only because I wanted money. Well, let me tell you...no amount of money was worth what I went through. Ask me how much I got for helping her....zilch. Nada. It was all bad even when I left. Money doesn't change people...it enhances who they really are. And I got to see first hand of it. I really gave my heart and wanted to help her because not even her own family stepped in. But you know what...I learned a lot about myself from that experience. Fast forward to today, I'm a better person for it. What God has blessed me with, she still yearns for.
Being judged as a parent is tough for me. I have tried to instill in my children a sense of responsibility for their own actions. Their achievements or failures are both their own.
When a child graduates college, lands a great job or produces a grandchild others will rejoice and praise the exceptional parenting that led to these events. Yet, when a child deals with addiction, mental health issues, divorce or job loss the parent often has the finger pointed at them. Friends and family will distance themselves from you, and the situation, as if it were a contagious disease.
The truth is that the vast majority of parents are in the trenches every day, doing their absolute best by their kids. Our children's choices can be heartbreaking or triumphant, but either way, they are theirs.
Can we, as a society, please take a step back from parental judgment and show compassion and grace to parents, especially when they are hurting? I have seen too many people, myself included, walk a lonely, painful road when their child is in distress.
I can only imagine what it was like to sit in front of everyone to be judged and interrogated, then have it air on TV for the world to see. Mine would have to be how my ex-husband often told lies about me (and on occasion, other people) to make himself look good...then those people who believed what was said would judge, either silently where I had no idea where they were treating me differently, or out loud where they accused me of things that didn't happen. I'm grateful that now some of them have figured out the truth and are better to me now. Of course there are some who haven't...and the only thing I can do is live my life and not worry about that, which is easier said than done sometimes, but I'm getting there.
Only three?! You are a strong woman, because I vividly remember all of this and it was brutal. It was still fresh on my mind when you started walking the Camino years later, and I wondered then how you had managed to process all of it or how you were still processing it.
Sometimes I'm grateful that Substack's "like" icon is a heart... cuz I sure don't "like" what you went through, but I'm sure you had all our hearts with you.
I guess the judgment that I received would have had to be when I was married. My ex judged me as being an embezzler of funds that which was not true. I tried to explain that it did not happen, but that is his view of me. I am not that way at all. Thank you Lisa for sharing this today and that I am in the process of healing. Blessings and keep smiling from Bolivar Missouri 💐 💐💐💐
I have a sister-in-law, who is one of the most kind, generous, salt-of-the-earth country girls you could ever meet... but she's also an unfiltered straight-shooter who will tell you anything... even when she shouldn't.
On one of our visits (before we permanently moved East, closer to where all the in-laws live) she said that my other SIL, who I've only met maybe 5 times in over 20 years, can't stand me. Apparently, something I said to her on our second meeting 20 years before (she didn't know what it was) offended her so badly that she's held a grudge all these years.
Now, I may be capable of teasing those I'm close to, but I was never close to her, and I'm also an introvert around new people. I'm also the kind of person whose greatest fear is to offend anyone! (social media political pages as a possible exception! :) It is beyond my comprehension that I could have said anything wildly offensive to someone I barely knew. Surely she either misheard me or, in the chaos of meeting new people, got me confused with someone else. Either way, this wore heavy on my mind for the entire flight home and I mentally composed a letter to her - I wanted to apologize, but for the life of me, I didn't know what I was apologizing for. In the end, I just let it go since she rarely attends family functions anyway, but it's a harsh slap in the face to think you've been someone's villain for 20+ years and you have absolutely no idea why.
I hear you. You know that saying anything that would offend would just not be "you" and it would be relatively (no pun intended) easy to simply have a conversation and clear the air. Yes, people are definitely weird sometimes.
I most definitely have been on that receiving end of judgment. Recently I was judged by a group of people who I never thought would go against me. I was unfairly shut out and not given a chance to speak for myself. It's not the first time and I'm pretty sure it's not the last time. There is no one who will stand by you if they can get their way or make themselves look good. Everyone will throw you under the bus. And never look back.
I often feel these days that people are very judgmental about almost everything unfortunately. Politics, religion, and so many topics are a cause of judgement. There’s not very much grace and understanding of others. Covid caused a lot of judgments for those of us who chose not to be vaccinated everything from losing jobs to losing family and friends.
Oh em gee! What a cliffhanger! I was reading this waiting to get to Penner’s because I knew enough that he betrays you somehow. I would have crawled under my seat having to face that!
I grew up in a small town-one red light small. Many people knew my family. My grandfather was the mayor there then on the council. My mother and aunt made the papers. Parents didn’t want their kids to play with me, teachers made comments, so many people assumed I would be just like her. I knew very early on I never wanted to follow in her footsteps so I always did the opposite. This is why I embrace being the underdog but for many years I responded with this urge to defend myself fiercely but as I’ve gotten older I’m learning not everything requires a response. I’m trying.
Bipolar-I didn’t always share that. I’m still a little cautious now but I feel if people get to know me they have a right to know or understand. People sometimes think everything is bipolar. I’ve been called crazy. It’s just my mind. I have feelings just like everyone else and I do my best to manage it. So I do my best to try and educate others around me about it if they’re curious. I’m about as normal as anyone else is, considering no one really knows what normal is. lol!
I'm glad you're writing about your experiences. You help people understand what they don't understand, and thus, judge.
Thank you so much for that. That’s all I want. 🙏
I think I understand what you’re saying. Also, I have an aunt who is bipolar and you are right, it’s not always the bipolar. If you’re just having a regular bad day people get nervous. I’ve watched her navigate that and I’m sorry you deal with it too
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them. I’m sorry your aunt goes through this as well. It hurts my heart even now so many people know so little about mental health. 🙏
We could be doing better with mental health, for sure!
Hey I come from a small town as well, and I've also come across people who judge others based on their family and upbringing. But unfortunately that pretty common in a small town.
Yes, it is. I even remember my grandmother had a party line in her small town!!
Thank you for sharing and you are so right! I appreciate it!
I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood being either overlooked, underrated or scapegoated. I grew up in a time where dyslexia (and certainly dyscalculia) wasn't even a diagnosis. You didn't have a learning disability - you were at the very least lacking ambition and the worst... too stupid to be bothered with. My first grade teacher, a young woman in her first year of teaching, used to show my work to the class as what *not* to do. She never talked to me or even my parents about my problems learning. She wrote me off without even trying. That was followed by a series of teachers who just passed me on to the next grade. A teacher in middle school finally took the time to help me understand how I could work through my disability and I ended up with academic awards in high school. Throughout school, other students thought I was stuck up because I was so quiet. In fact I unknowingly had social anxiety and my fear of failure was so strong that I wouldn't try anything (that cost me a scholarship). Some tried to use my lack of confidence against me, even to the point of blaming me when they were at fault. My best friend hurt me the worst. I still can't go into that. Later, when my then husband and I divorced, our friends all took his side. I was supposed to be the good Christian wife and forgive him for an affair. It didn't matter that he wouldn't even touch me after our daughter was born. That we lived like roommates who barely talked to each other. I was in the wrong because I wasn't willing to sacrifice not only my happiness, but my mental health, to keep our marriage intact. Most of them never did understand or change their opinion. So, I don't let any friends in close. Haven't for decades. There are people I'd like to be closer too, but I just can't seem to trust enough to take that chance again. I care about many of them, but if I tried and they rejected me..... So I stay on the edge of friendships. Never getting close enough to be hurt. And it isn't lost on me that living that way is hurtful in and of itself.
This is all so painful to read. All of it. I'm so sorry you have experienced so much judgment and rejection throughout your life.
I will keep it short because it was a hot button subject at the time.... I had people get angry at me, had 10 people unfriend me on Facebook because I posted about how I didn't like this year's Superbowl halftime show.... I HAVE ZERO ISSUE THAT IT WAS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE (I type this in all caps hoping you all get that because my supposed friends didn't) but when I looked up the lyrics, they were disgusting!! If I wanted to hear about somebody's sexual adventures, I would go into my bedroom and talk to my husband about it (we are each other's one and only)... THAT is why I didn't care for it! A friend of mine married a man who is bilingual (Spanish as his first language) and he was MORTIFIED by what he heard, so I feel vindicated that it's not just me!! But it hurt some to think people were upset because they thought I was angry he sang in Spanish. I don't care!! But I don't want my kids hearing that kind of stuff- I don't care what language you're singing in!!! And now that I've probably made more enemies, I will move on.
As far as what you shared- I don't know if I could have taken it!! I probably would have gotten sick 🤣 but while I talk a good game about not caring what people think of me, I still do more than I should, so I would have been concerned.
How was the weekend with Leo? Hope all is settling well!! 🙂
It is always sad to be judged and misunderstood. The first few days with Leo have been wonderful.
I lost a very good friend last year because she contacted me unexpectedly saying she was in town and wanted to see me. But we had a very strange situation going on in our house that weekend with guests we frankly couldn’t wait to get rid of and I didn’t want to involve her and her family in that mess. I also did not want to leave the house with our unwelcome ‘guests’ in it. These were old friends who had changed a great deal - not for the better - and we were just counting down the minutes till they would leave. I was evidently not able to convey the seriousness of the situation to my friend whom I very much wanted to see. She accused me of not wanting to ‘put in the work’ necessary to stay friends, and proceeded to block me on Facebook and blocked her phone number. I was shocked, frankly. I sat on these sad/kind of angry/shocked feelings for a few weeks, and eventually tried writing a letter to her. But in the end, I didn’t send it. I didn’t feel like going into detail as to why I couldn’t see her that weekend, because with only a days notice, there are all sorts of reasons why I might not have been able to see her and she should have understood that. I decided that if she reacted that way in that particular instance that perhaps it wasn’t a friendship I wanted to keep. If she hadn’t blocked me I would have tried to explain. It was just so sudden and really shocking because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Yikes! That was certainly an over reaction! You're right. That is not the kind of friend you want anyway. So sorry.
Sometimes our desire to be noble betrays us. It's too bad one of you couldn't have played the Bad Cop and asked them to leave, but that's always easier said than done. Your friend sounds overly dramatic, but if it were me, I think I would have sent the letter... if only for closure with no expectation of a positive response - and if one did come, all the better.
This is wild hearing about this later. Thanks.
It was wild experiencing it, too!
Almost 30 years ago I was a caretaker for a friend who was in a serious car accident that left her with a Traumatic Brain Injury. She had to relearn how to walk,talk, pretty much everything. Her family lived out of state except her mom who was not mentally healthy to take care of her. No one wanted to take care of her after she was released from the rehab center. I didnt plan on it, but I just stepped in and it just sort of happened. All her family did for her was find an attorney and left, but even then it wasn't a good representation. So, another sibling changed the attorney accusing the previous one negligent in their representation. For 6 years I helped this friend with rides, with mobility, etc all the while I was being mentally and physically abused. No one really knew this. Because it was a very big company worth billions who caused her accident, her settlement was in the 8 figure range. (Sadly, it was probably the only good thing that came out of it to be honest) Anyway, through it all I was accused by her family, friends, and even her state guardian at the time, of helping only because I wanted money. Well, let me tell you...no amount of money was worth what I went through. Ask me how much I got for helping her....zilch. Nada. It was all bad even when I left. Money doesn't change people...it enhances who they really are. And I got to see first hand of it. I really gave my heart and wanted to help her because not even her own family stepped in. But you know what...I learned a lot about myself from that experience. Fast forward to today, I'm a better person for it. What God has blessed me with, she still yearns for.
Love and Blessings 💛✨️
One of my dearest friends suffers from a TBI so thank you for being such a good friend. I'm sorry you suffered so much in the process.
Thank you.
Being judged as a parent is tough for me. I have tried to instill in my children a sense of responsibility for their own actions. Their achievements or failures are both their own.
When a child graduates college, lands a great job or produces a grandchild others will rejoice and praise the exceptional parenting that led to these events. Yet, when a child deals with addiction, mental health issues, divorce or job loss the parent often has the finger pointed at them. Friends and family will distance themselves from you, and the situation, as if it were a contagious disease.
The truth is that the vast majority of parents are in the trenches every day, doing their absolute best by their kids. Our children's choices can be heartbreaking or triumphant, but either way, they are theirs.
Can we, as a society, please take a step back from parental judgment and show compassion and grace to parents, especially when they are hurting? I have seen too many people, myself included, walk a lonely, painful road when their child is in distress.
Amen! So true. I'm glad you brought this particular can of judgement up. You are absolutely right.
I can only imagine what it was like to sit in front of everyone to be judged and interrogated, then have it air on TV for the world to see. Mine would have to be how my ex-husband often told lies about me (and on occasion, other people) to make himself look good...then those people who believed what was said would judge, either silently where I had no idea where they were treating me differently, or out loud where they accused me of things that didn't happen. I'm grateful that now some of them have figured out the truth and are better to me now. Of course there are some who haven't...and the only thing I can do is live my life and not worry about that, which is easier said than done sometimes, but I'm getting there.
Oh, that is the worst. And, sadly, I have dear friends who have suffered through this as well.
I feel like the final tribal counsel would have my stomach in knots💙
I cried for three days straight after it was over.
Only three?! You are a strong woman, because I vividly remember all of this and it was brutal. It was still fresh on my mind when you started walking the Camino years later, and I wondered then how you had managed to process all of it or how you were still processing it.
Sometimes I'm grateful that Substack's "like" icon is a heart... cuz I sure don't "like" what you went through, but I'm sure you had all our hearts with you.
I guess the judgment that I received would have had to be when I was married. My ex judged me as being an embezzler of funds that which was not true. I tried to explain that it did not happen, but that is his view of me. I am not that way at all. Thank you Lisa for sharing this today and that I am in the process of healing. Blessings and keep smiling from Bolivar Missouri 💐 💐💐💐
So painful to go through. I'm so sorry you did.
Thank you Lisa.
Happy Birthday Lisa
Happy Birthday Lisa
when you told malcom you planned to vote him out was that to destabilize him a little?
No
i see. now im worried i offended you again 😬
Not at all. i was just on my phone and responded quickly. :)
oh good! i keep implying you were manipulating malcom 😂😂 i only mean it in the context of the game i swear! lol
I have a sister-in-law, who is one of the most kind, generous, salt-of-the-earth country girls you could ever meet... but she's also an unfiltered straight-shooter who will tell you anything... even when she shouldn't.
On one of our visits (before we permanently moved East, closer to where all the in-laws live) she said that my other SIL, who I've only met maybe 5 times in over 20 years, can't stand me. Apparently, something I said to her on our second meeting 20 years before (she didn't know what it was) offended her so badly that she's held a grudge all these years.
Now, I may be capable of teasing those I'm close to, but I was never close to her, and I'm also an introvert around new people. I'm also the kind of person whose greatest fear is to offend anyone! (social media political pages as a possible exception! :) It is beyond my comprehension that I could have said anything wildly offensive to someone I barely knew. Surely she either misheard me or, in the chaos of meeting new people, got me confused with someone else. Either way, this wore heavy on my mind for the entire flight home and I mentally composed a letter to her - I wanted to apologize, but for the life of me, I didn't know what I was apologizing for. In the end, I just let it go since she rarely attends family functions anyway, but it's a harsh slap in the face to think you've been someone's villain for 20+ years and you have absolutely no idea why.
People are weird.
I hear you. You know that saying anything that would offend would just not be "you" and it would be relatively (no pun intended) easy to simply have a conversation and clear the air. Yes, people are definitely weird sometimes.
I most definitely have been on that receiving end of judgment. Recently I was judged by a group of people who I never thought would go against me. I was unfairly shut out and not given a chance to speak for myself. It's not the first time and I'm pretty sure it's not the last time. There is no one who will stand by you if they can get their way or make themselves look good. Everyone will throw you under the bus. And never look back.
I often feel these days that people are very judgmental about almost everything unfortunately. Politics, religion, and so many topics are a cause of judgement. There’s not very much grace and understanding of others. Covid caused a lot of judgments for those of us who chose not to be vaccinated everything from losing jobs to losing family and friends.