PLAYING TO WIN

My Survivor Story: Behind the Scenes and Behind the Mask — Part 13

The Final Three?

Skupin won the next reward challenge and invited me and Malcolm to fly in a helicopter above the islands, where we got the chance to swim with whale sharks. It was here, in our pristine surroundings, surrounded by majestic and terrifying creatures, that Skupin, Malcolm, and I swore to go to the final three together. I had no intention of sitting in the final three with Malcolm, considering he would undoubtedly win, but I was no longer playing the game with my conscience. I was playing to win.

Incredible Experience

The morning after my encounter with the whale sharks, everyone woke up to an unexpected sight: Denise was in intense agony. This was one of the toughest women I’d ever met, and she was in tears. Her neck had two marks in it, which looked like they’d been placed there by either a snake or a vampire, and she complained of a searing pain at the puncture site. We were no strangers to the spiders, snakes, scorpions, lizards, centipedes, and bugs of all shapes and sizes that had crawled all over, around, and amongst us for the last several weeks. Literally anything could have bitten her.

Fangs?

Denise was in so much pain and I actually offered to pray for her, even though I’d decided I wasn’t going to pray on TV. But I didn’t want my doubts and pride to usurp the possibility of her feeling better. Despite being an avowed atheist, she assented.

Denise and I had actually had some good conversations about God, and whether or not He existed. Since being “saved” in the little Baptist church down the street in Texas, I was taught that our job as Christians was to preach the “good news of the gospel” that God sent his “only begotten Son,” Jesus, to be crucified, taking the punishment for our sins onto himself, and that through his blood that was shed on the cross, we would be forgiven and saved. Then, upon our death, we’d qualify for eternal life in Heaven. Anyone who didn’t believe this would spend eternity in hell being burned alive without relief.

Wow. No wonder Denise didn’t believe in this version of God! I myself barely did anymore. Because of my own questions, which had sprouted in abundance throughout my marriage, especially in the last few years, my conversations with Denise were full of mutually respectful questions and curiosity, rather than me trying to save her soul. For the first time in my life, the pressure was off to spare someone the sojourn into the fiery flames of hell, and it actually felt like a relief.

I was genuinely curious about how Denise had come to that place of non-belief. She explained that she had been hurt by people in the church who’d used their beliefs as a power tool. I nodded sympathetically as she shared her experiences. Sadly, this story is common. The thing I didn’t say was that it was one of the reasons I no longer identified as a Christian, even though it had been my calling for most of my life. I felt comfortable calling myself a Christ-follower, but I’d come to realize the hard way that this wasn’t actually the same thing as calling yourself a Christian.

As a matter of fact, it felt like Christianity was getting further away from the teachings of Jesus and grace and more about obedience to the teachings of the church and fear of judgment. I had lived a lot of life and met a lot of lovely people who, like Denise, didn’t believe that “Jesus is the only way.” I’d talked with Buddhists and Hindus, atheists and agnostics, and New Agers and AAers, all of whom described a beautiful relationship with a divine something-or-other greater than themselves. It was becoming more and more difficult to believe without question what I had been taught since childhood and ignore the parts of those teachings that seemed incongruent with an all-loving God or His all-forgiving son.

Praying for Denise

As I watched Denise in pain, I didn’t exactly know who God was or what His name was or even if He was a He, but I prayed. I prayed that the feminine aspect of God would simply hold Denise and comfort her and blow the gentle breath of Spirit on her wound, like a mother would tenderly tend to a child who had scraped her knee. Who knows if the prayer “worked,” or if it was just the creative force of the universe at play, or simply the biology of inflammatory responses in humans, but whoever or whatever was responsible, Denise started to feel better and was ready to tackle the final immunity challenge.

Malcolm Wins Immunity Again

Unfortunately, Malcolm won again. Now that we were down to just a few players, we needed to find a way to get rid of Malcolm, otherwise he would surely win.

Our final immunity challenge was a balancing act, in which we were tasked with keeping a large marble atop a thin rod. All four of us, Malcolm, Denise, Skupin, and I, made it through the first five minutes balancing the marble on a single rod between two handles. In the second phase, Malcolm’s hands became progressively shaky and he was unable to keep his marble steady; it fell off before the next five-minute phase was complete, knocking him out of the challenge. This was what we’d all been waiting for. It didn’t matter to any of us who won this challenge, as long as it wasn’t Malcolm. Now, it was settled.

Holding Steady

Thirty seconds before the phase completed, Denise’s ball dropped. This left Skupin and me to battle it out. We both made it through another five minutes of precarious, stressful balancing. We were shaky but focused. Then, out of nowhere, the pieces of my rod collapsed on themselves; my ball dropped and Skupin won. With that win, we were finally able to vote off the biggest threat throughout the whole game: Malcolm.

The next morning, Denise, Skupin, and I woke up on Day 39, our last day on the island. There would be no more reward challenges. No more immunity challenges. We’d made it to the final three. We’d made it through all 39 days. The only thing left was that night’s final tribal council.

Day 39

But first, we hiked up to the very top of the mountain overlooking the ocean dotted with the many lush islands of the Philippines. As we sat there together, I said, “Who knew that in 39 days, such significant life change could happen, that such deep connections could be built? I left show business, got married, raised my kids…and that was all in my past. And now, in this very moment, I’m in the game of Survivor. You would think it would feel very similar, but it’s nothing like I experienced growing up as a child on television. Because on The Facts of Life, I had a role. I had a script. I played a character. I didn’t have to worry about me. I didn’t really realize how much of your heart and your soul and your spirit and your body are involved in this game. That your head is just a little bitty part of it. And yet, it’s a huge part when it comes to winning the game. The overwhelming feeling I have is one of gratitude. Of the 18 players that started, there are only three who get to experience day 39. This is a rare privilege, and I’m very aware and humbled that I get to experience something so incredible.”

Final Tribal Council

As we walked into the final tribal council carrying our lit torches, I was full of excitement. I believed I had a chance to win; it was an off chance, but it was possible. My hope was that the four original Tandang tribe members (who were on our jury of peers, which would be the deciding factor in naming the winner) would honor the fact that I’d remained loyal to them from the beginning. Since there were only eight people on the jury, I just needed to pull one additional vote to get the majority. I had built a good relationship with Penner, and I felt he would understand and respect the fact that I had to play the game, which was why I had to vote him out. I knew that Denise and Skupin had been formidable players, but I was counting on the relationships I’d built to ultimately come through in the end.

Next Sunday: The final tribal council. The good, the bad, and the karma-is-a-bitch.

Has there ever been a moment when you stopped playing/living not to hurt people, and started playing/living for yourself? What else jumped off the page for you in this post? I’d love to hear in the comments.